I Choose This
As we grow in intimacy with God, we increasingly relate to God as a close family member. Jesus modeled this when he invited us to call God, Abba, a term that roughly translates to “daddy.” One characteristic of a spiritual life that is moving deeper into this sort of intimacy is our honest expression of desire in prayer. With my Father in Heaven, I am very direct about what I want.
When I name my desires to God, one of two things happens. Often, my prayer becomes very sweet and I experience God’s graciousness towards me. I become aware of the deeper thing I really want and the way God longs to give me exactly what I desire.
However, sometimes, God doesn’t give me what I want. I ask for something very specific to happen in this world believing that because of our intimate connection (and his power), he will gladly do this for me. When things don’t go according to my desires, this can be unsettling – especially when my desire for a particular outcome is very strong. Sometimes, I feel like the Canaanite woman in Matthew 15 who begs Jesus to heal her daughter. My desire is intense. My faith is strong. I am on my knees begging God to act. And because of our intimacy, I truly hope he will give me what I want.
And then, I do not get what I ask for. Oh, the heartache. Oh, the disappointment. And oh, the doubt.
Have you been there? Have you ever wanted something so badly that you’ve spent time on your knees begging God to act only to be turned away? How do you pray your way through that disappointment?
This is the place where you and I are invited to abandon our lives to God and let go of the life we think we want. St. Therese of Lisieux learned to pray a powerful prayer whenever she faced a situation that she didn’t want. She used this prayer:
“I want everything that causes me difficulties.”
In order to be able to pray this prayer, we must believe that God does not will evil, and he does not tempt us. And also that he can work through all the evil and suffering that we face, from the smallest to the greatest experience of it. To say, “I want this” is not to say it’s good. It’s to say, I am letting go of my life. I’m letting go of my strong compulsion to control my future. I’m letting go of my strong need to dictate to God how my life should go. And, I’m trusting that in his love he is giving me a beautiful life that I couldn’t come up with on my own.
I have been praying a version of this prayer as I have faced difficulties and disappointments, and I’ve found it helpful. It helps me shortcut the process that I typically have to go through when I face disappointment. Typically, this painful process includes resistance, reluctance, and then resignation. I resist what is happening to me and prayer becomes a theological debate with God. I explain to God, theologically, why this shouldn’t be happening or why he should be helping me. After this goes on for a while and nothing changes, I reluctantly come to face and accept reality. And then, in my disappointment and resignation, I feel a lingering doubt about my faith. Is God really there if he won’t help me? Can I trust God if he doesn’t intervene to shape the outcome of my life for good?
This endpoint of resigned acceptance is not ideal. I’m not fully open to all God is doing in me when I am reluctantly capitulating to what is happening. The goal is not begrudging acceptance. That is not faith. The goal is delightful and willing consent. I want to choose what is happening to me trusting that God is shepherding me according to his kingdom purposes. So, following St. Therese’s lead, as soon as I notice disappointment, I pray inwardly the prayer, “I choose this.”
What I’ve noticed is that St. Therese’s prayer shortcuts my process and leads to a better endpoint. As soon as I pray, “I choose this,” there is an instant shift in my heart. The choice I am making is not for this situation to happen to me. The choice that I am making is to abandon my life into God’s hands. This is represented in my act of choosing the thing that is happening to me. It’s like I’m saying, “Lord I want you to have your way. I give my life to you.”
As I do that, my desire is refocused onto my longing to consent to whatever he is doing in my life. And I become immediately aware of God’s nearness to me and work in my heart. This bears delightful fruit in my spirit. The circumstances that I face may be unwanted, but when I say, “I choose this,” I feel faith and trust deepen within me. I feel the peace and hope. I feel the freedom to go through whatever I’m facing with a level of holy contentment.
What do you do when you don’t get what you want? Would you consider praying, “I choose this” or “I want this” whenever you face this kind of disappointment?